Friday, October 30, 2009

I was born is a small town....

Yup, I live in a small town. I was born in another small town. In between I have lived in several larger towns and a few more small towns. After sharing a fair amount of years on this earth sharing stories with family, friends, lovers, customers and co-workers, I feel vaguely qualified to write about the subject. This blog is my attempt to do exactly that. To chronicle the daily adventures and tales from the buckle of the bible belt. Maybe the only person that will ever read this is me. Or maybe one day it will be chronicle of my life for my children. Maybe my friends will read this and wonder what I've been smoking. But for now I'm typing...and remembering...and occasionally cringing.

I'm currently compiling a list of things that I never thought I would haved to say out loud. Here's what I have so far.

Do not lick the seatbelt.
You cannot go to Sunday School with purple teeth.
You may not wear two bras at once.
Please do not bring your sister to work with you simply because she is lonely.
No, you cannot marry the neighbor boy until after he has had his nap.
I have to leave work early becuase my child has a Tic-Tac stuck in her nose.
Do you need help putting ice on your llama?
Please don't encourage my child to cuss at the rooster.
You are not allowed to push the cash register down the street in a shopping cart at 3:00am.
No, I'm not pregnant. I left my uterus at the hospital.
You cannot rent panties.

On a related note, the single best red-neck sentence I have ever heard: (said to me after I had passed a friend in his car earlier in the day)

If'n I'da knowed it was you, I'duv retched out and wove.

So, imaginary readers, what's your best? Or the thing you never thought you'd say?


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