Wednesday, April 14, 2010

Round and round

Sometimes life can get a little...oddly complicated. Sometimes we get in our own way and our stubborness refuses to budge. I guess what I'm trying to say is that I feel that I have let myself fall into a rut that is all too familiar. It's a procrastination/avoidance/denial rut and it's one deep motherfucker. Like, gonna need a tow truck to pull myself out of this.

I have a bad habit of extremes. I can focus on the larger picture, and I can focus on the minute details. It's the middle part. The part that matters. The execution. The work. I blame my brain.

Does anyone else wake in the morning with a clear plan of exactly how their day should go? I've done this every day for as long as I can remember. And not once has it happened the way my head thinks it should. Rarely my day turns out better than imagined. Mostly it doesn't live up to the plan rattling around between my ears. Sometimes it sucks way worse than I could have ever dreamed.

This however isn't the problem. I can handle change, go with the flow. The problem lies in the thinking. At the first sign of variation from my planned day, I must re-think the whole day. See the problem? As you can imagine these changes occur approximately 4,352,218 times a day.

Now on the surface it appears that I can make most (not all) decisions quickly and efficiently. I can delegate, administrate, and facilitate my ass off. In my head there are about a gadzillion scenarios spinning wildly out of control, each allowing for multiple variables.

The biggest problem with this whole mindset is that with each change comes a little disappointment. It's not what I wanted. (And yes, I realize that makes me sound like a conceited bitch.) But that's what happened and a little piece of my heart hardened with each change. By the end of most days I feel flat and weak, disheartened and shamed at my own ablility to make my world what I wanted.

This is affecting my life and I need to get off the hamster wheel. Is there a way? Does it require planning?


Anonymous said...

Well, I start each work day thinking how bad it is going to suck. If something good happens, then I'm ahead of the game.

If I am on my own time, then sometimes I fall into the trap of thinking everything should go according to a plan. If I sense that this may happen, I step back and quickly lower my expectations.

If I were you, I wouldn't change a thing. I believe it is probably better to begin each day thinking good thoughts, rather than defeating yourself before you begin. Just my lame observation.

Curiosity said...

Boy, does that ever sound like a documentary on my brain. Half the time I don't even realize how fleshed out my expectations for something are until they don't get met and I'm disappointed. ...and re-planning. Of course.

Dawn said...

Curiosity....Welcome! Nice to know that someone else on this rock has the same version of crazy as I do. It's way less lonely that way. Stop back by every so often and we'll compare notes.

Anonymous said...

There is a term for this but I can't remember it. When a person anticipates a travel experience, he or she is almost always (ultimately) left with a feeling of "This is not what I planned. This kinda sucks." So---I guess life is like that, too. Life is best when I have a plan but then kind of Pooh along and try to enjoy the inevitable diversions. Have you read "The Tao of Pooh"? Its amazing. Jack

Anonymous said...

Another thing...Have you seen "What the Bleep Do We Know?"--you may be onto something and just need to tweak it a bit with this "planning out your day" thingy.....Jack

Dawn said...

The Tao of Pooh. Even the name makes me smile. And so do you, dear Jackie.

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