Thursday, June 3, 2010

Damned memories

Something today sparked a memory. This evening in the course of dinner conversation the subject of cussing arose. Now, while I personally am a BIG fan, and a veteran in the practiced art of cussery, I generally frown upon the chirren blaspheming. As they morph into the teenagers that will be the death of me, I'm sure the words will become more frequent. It's part of growing up and expanding and finding boundaries. Fortunately, that's not the story to tell today. ("Cause I'm long-winded, ya know.)

When the eldest was about four years old, one of the hilljack aunts decided that she needed a parakeet for Easter. Sidenote: I don't like birds. As a matter of fact, I hate birds. Especially up close. Or in my house. Yes, it's irrational, blame Hitchcock. Whatev.

Unknown to the hilljack aunt, she had purchased the world's oldest parakeet. Guiness Book of Records old. Ought to be drawing a social security check old. I didn't know feathers could wrinkle - old.

Fast forward a couple of weeks full of me cussing birdseed in the carpet and annoying bird noises at 5:30 AM to one bright Saturday morning. I had planned to take the chirren to see their grandmother for the day, and in the process of breakfast, face-washing and clothing the offspring, I look up to see one dead bird in the bottom of one messy cage. Thanks to it's height, the kiddos hadn't noticed it yet. Being the non-dealing-with-shit type mom, I rushed us all out the door and into the car. One quick cell call to the hilljack husband to DEAL WITH THIS, was placed entirely in code. Or pig latin. I can't remember.

Remember the hilljack? Milkdud? That dumbass that I was married to? Yeah, that one. Well, he decides to go one a mission to find an identical bird to replace this one, hence leaving the chirren clueless and happy. It was a nice thought, I suppose, but we all know that those never play out well. Seeing as how he has the attention-span of a gnat on meth, he disposed of the WHITE BIRD WITH BLUE SPOTS, and purchased a BLUE BIRD WITH WHITE SPOTS. (Big diff, dud.)

The eldest childs comment to me upon seeing the new bird for the first time?
"Someone painted my damned bird!"

*At this point the mother went outside, crawled in the backseat of the car, and laughed until the pee in her pants almost dried.


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