Round and round

Sometimes life can get a little...oddly complicated. Sometimes we get in our own way and our stubborness refuses to budge. I guess what I'm trying to say is that I feel that I have let myself fall into a rut that is all too familiar. It's a procrastination/avoidance/denial rut and it's one deep motherfucker. Like, gonna need a tow truck to pull myself out of this.

I have a bad habit of extremes. I can focus on the larger picture, and I can focus on the minute details. It's the middle part. The part that matters. The execution. The work. I blame my brain.


Does anyone else wake in the morning with a clear plan of exactly how their day should go? I've done this every day for as long as I can remember. And not once has it happened the way my head thinks it should. Rarely my day turns out better than imagined. Mostly it doesn't live up to the plan rattling around between my ears. Sometimes it sucks way worse than I could have ever dreamed.


This however isn't the problem. I can handle change, go with the flow. The problem lies in the thinking. At the first sign of variation from my planned day, I must re-think the whole day. See the problem? As you can imagine these changes occur approximately 4,352,218 times a day.

Now on the surface it appears that I can make most (not all) decisions quickly and efficiently. I can delegate, administrate, and facilitate my ass off. In my head there are about a gadzillion scenarios spinning wildly out of control, each allowing for multiple variables.

The biggest problem with this whole mindset is that with each change comes a little disappointment. It's not what I wanted. (And yes, I realize that makes me sound like a conceited bitch.) But that's what happened and a little piece of my heart hardened with each change. By the end of most days I feel flat and weak, disheartened and shamed at my own ablility to make my world what I wanted.

This is affecting my life and I need to get off the hamster wheel. Is there a way? Does it require planning?

So there I was...10,000 feet and no parachute

Some know. Some don’t. I generally don’t run around screaming that I have been diagnosed with clinical depression. (Although, it would explain a lot of things in some people’s minds.) Many don’t understand, others do not want to know. Of those who know and are aware that I have taken prescribed medication for this, they do not understand that the pill doesn’t cure anything. It simply makes it more manageable.


With that said, I am one of the millions of Americans suffering from another complication – no insurance. Now, I work at a job I love. I wouldn’t trade it for anything. Love my bosses, and care about 82.5% of the employees that work under me. My schedule allows me to be with the people that I love when they are out of school and off-work (most of the time). But, it’s a small business folks. The insurance companies make it tough for small businesses to afford health care.


As a result, I’m going it alone, without professional medical attention or a parachute. Light therapy, aromatherapy, bourbon-therapy….tried them all. Add in some skin issues and a large dose of life and Mama needs a new approach. But I'm still looking and trying what I know helps.


This time of year is particularly hard for those suffering from depression. If you know someone that is tunneling through this darkness, please repress the urge to “fix” or “help” them. Unless they are new to this completely un-fun game, they are aware of the triggers, symptoms, the side-effects. If you tell them to “snap out of it” or “look at the bright side” then you are setting yourself up to get a big ol’ helping of snapped up-side your head. Depression masks the bright side.


After years of fighting the good fight, I can now enter one of these phases and still catch glimpses of the other side. I know what works for me (medication or lack-there-of aside) and what doesn’t. It all takes time. So lend your ears and your patience to someone you know that is struggling. They will appreciate it as soon as they are able.