Thursday, July 1, 2010

Ohio Sucks...Except for Cleveland. I heart Cleveland.

Vacation Day 1. Better known as the day we get the hell outta Dodge. Both The Man and I are suffering from serious burnout by the time vacation comes around every year. We are cranky-pants and short-tempered. I was not my usual ray of sunshine. *snort* But Joy! Elation! Happy-happy! Vacation has arrived.

The plan was to roll out at seven a.m., bound for parts unknown. Or Ohio. But what happens when we make plans? Chaos and mayhem, that's what. I was awakened at 4 a.m. by a horrific thunderstorm. And I'm pretty sure I could hear laughing in the background somewhere. We both laid awake until 6 o'clock listening to the storm, until we could bear it no longer and turned to the weather channel to see how bad it was going to be. We got lucky and the rain quit by 8:30 and we were able to hit the road by 9. Freedom was ours. With a wary eye on the gray clouds, we proceeded to Cincinnati. Which I believe is also known as the armpit of the Midwest. From Cincinnati we turned north and made our way through Ohio.

A little background for you. My dad used to pave roads for a living. He was an asphalt man. I understand the concept of road repair and construction. But Ohio, you shouldn't really tear the fresh hell out of a road and leave the speed limit at 70. It causes people to believe that they can drive at least seventy. Or ninety. Crimeny, there were Nascar wannabes racing for the finish line all over the goddamn state. And near me. Which made me feel stabby. I don't want to feel stabby on

I don't have many pictures from that first day because as I said before, Ohio sucks. But rolling into Cleveland that evening was divine. The architecture is amazing and the peoples are friendly to a fault. Lake Erie and the pier were a refreshing sight and we took an enjoyable stroll down the pier on our first evening away.

After a wonderful walk, we went in search of lodging for the evening. We got a reasonable room with all the normal amenities and cleanliness. I trotted down the the restaurant and ordered a pizza to munch on while Dave unpacked our gear and found his favorite channels on the tv. I thought a barbecued chicken pizza with some monterrey cheddar and red onions sounded nice, but the smallish Vietnamese gentleman has trouble understanding what I wanted. After pointing my way through the menu, and determining that I did not want a smalleeeee, but a lahgeeee, he kindly offered to bring up my food to the room when it was ready. Wonderful!

Thirty minutes later, our food arrived. Now, most everyone I know has eaten at at least one Chinese buffet in their lives. You know that very red-colored barbequed chicken they serve? The one with the unnatural color? Imagine that laying on a puddle of pizza sauce and sprinkled with some cheese. Run that through an Easy Bake oven and throw some raw onions on top. Kinda reminds me of the crap we invented in our kitchen in college from things leftover in everyone's fridge. Either we were really tired and hungry, or just didn't care becuase we were on vacation. Yup, we ate it. And didn't care. This was about the time that I noticed something about our room. Something different. Something out of place. Something that didn't belong.

In case you didn't spot it, here's a closer look.

I promise this was a nice place. Marble floors in the lobby and leather club chairs. And pine tree air fresheners.

Spoiler alert: Day 2 was so cool, that we are now way cooler just by default. Or at least that's what I'm telling myself.

Vacation Totals Day One: Miles ridden- 373
Condition of ass from riding on a 1-10 scale - 9
Number of times I lost, misplaced, or forgot something - 2
Number of times I cared that I lost, or forgot something - 0

Stay tuned, it gets way better.


Anonymous said...

My dear friend. Nobody makes me laugh at loud except Margaret Cho, my family, Chapelle, and YOU! OMG--- Your book is gonna be huge. It will most likely take a wheelbarrow to carry it. Wait, I meant like ummm Best-seller huge, not ummm shape because according to the most elemental laws of physics..OH damn....I have become so smart since I got me this here BAAAA Degree. I think I am supposed to print my diploma here at home since I finished the said degree online--But enough about me---Do you think these pants make my ass look fat? Do you think HAVE FUN ON YOUR VACAY AND KEEP US POSTED-----YOU ROCK! Jack the BAAAAAAAAAAAA

Dawn said...

Dear Jackie the love of my book will be huge. As in large print for the visually impaired as I will ilkely be 104 years old by the time I get it written. And I am so proud of you and your BAA BAA Black Sheep degree that I just might bust at the seams. Or develop Tourettes. More than likely both.

You ass looks fabulous and The second post for vacation should be on it's way this afternoon, or at least sometime today-ish.

Coffee? I'll take mine like I like my men. Over-caffinated and likely to burn me. Love ya more'n comfortable panties.

Anonymous said...

Now that I think of it, when I do make it out of state, I rarely see the roads ripped-up to the extent that I see here in Ohio. I guess we have grown accustomed to crappy road conditions.

Dawn said...

I'm pretty sure that someone should find the Director Of Transportation for Ohio and slam his privates in a drawer. I truly feel sorry for anyone that has to drive through that crap everyday.

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