Missing: Brains and Balls

As I previously mentioned, I manage liquor stores. It’s a good job and seriously adds a convenience factor for Chardonnay and bourbon. But let me tell you about the shoplifters. Seriously, it’s like a brand new episode of Dumbest Criminals Ever every week without the bother of commercials. There’s like a bajillion video cameras in each store designed to catch you from every unflattering angle possible. You can’t miss them, is all I’m saying. But still they come.

The latest potential felon was last week. 30ish dude with delusions about his clothing choices. Obviously he believes that he looks like an eighteen year old thug. Or gangsta. Or Rap Star. Ummmm, no. Anyhoo, he breezes in and proceeds to wind his way through the aisles, assuming that we think he is just being a discriminating shopper. Yeah, right. In the course of his travels he puts not one, but TWO fifths of alcohol down the front of his pants. That’s a half gallon, folks! Holy cow! How is there room in his pants for these?
A copy of the video was sent to the local boys in blue and they have ID’ed him. It’s only a matter of time before he’s picked up. Because of the video tape I never get called to testify in court. My statement is read and the tape speaks for itself. But I really want to go this time. I have questions, yall. Questions about why anyone would do this in a small town where everyone can identify everyone else. Questions about what he thought all those electronic thingys were hanging from the ceiling and walls. And finally, dude, you fit two fifths down your pants…where are your balls?