Sunday, May 2, 2010

Blonde Bombshell

In the past I have discussed my eldest spawn at great length. Now, in the interest of fairness (of which you will generally find none in this household)I will introduce you to The Blonde.

Blondie was an "Oh, Shit" baby. Not that she wasn't wanted or loved, but in the "crap, THAT'S why I feel so weird sense of things. At the time I had a two year old at home, a demanding job and a red-neck husband. And law classes. And a huge case of the tired.

So when the weirdness began, I did what any responsible adult would do. I took a break in the middle of business law exam and peed on a stick. What? You've never taken a pregnancy test in a community college bathroom? I'm a busy woman, folks.

After class, I called the red-neck at work and broke the news to him. His response was a grunt. Or a growl. Possibly a snort-grunt. Hard to remember.

After the whole cancer in my girlie parts, I quickly decided to go see Doctor Giggles and let him know that it was time for round two.

(Geez, cut to the chase woman!) Blondie was born about eleventy-hundred years later in what could possibly be a Guinness World Record Breaking How Frickin' Long Can This Pregnancy Last Marathon.

She is the quiet one. The shy one. The Oh My God Where did you get those manners living with us heathens,one. In all reality her name should be Empathy Gracious YesMa'am. If all children were like this child then everyone would be a Kate Gosslin. So see? Rotten children are saving the world. From The Kate.

Now the one thing about the Blonde is that she is well known for talking in circles. What starts out as her simply telling me what happened at school today, spins around and around and over and over to become a 2 hours babble-fest of the same thing revisited before she actually gets to the point. And while she also is wicked book-smart, she lacks a, shall we say common sense? Now seeing how she isn't even officially a teenager yet, I suppose this has time to rectify itself, but it's funny and annoying at the same time. Let me share with you a few snippets of recent gems from the mouth of the Blonde.

(On doing subtraction homework for math class) Why do they call it borrowing if you never give it back?

(On extra-curricular activities) You should totally let me run track this year. I run like a gazebo. {ummm, gazelle?}

(On watching a commercial for the Great American Smoke-Out) Why does everyone want to quit cold turkey? I love cold turkey. Would they rather have it warm?

(On being told that she has the attention span of a doorknob) "turning knob many, many, many times" I still don't get it.

I love her with all my heart. She's a wonderful person and her spirit is so pure that people flock to her without knowing why. But sometimes I have to pat her on the head and tell her that I hope she marries well.


Curiosity said...

Both the running like a gazebo and cold turkey had me laughing out loud. Those are priceless.

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